he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
