At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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