Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
