It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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