I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
