Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
