I can text with my tongue
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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