Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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