as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
