im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am one with the molecules
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
