he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I want a musical about memes.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
