I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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