can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
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If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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