he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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