R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
