I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.