don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?