In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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