I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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