I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
