Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
