I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
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she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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