Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
