Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
