I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
