New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
