I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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