she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
