So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
