be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
