I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
