I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
