happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
