You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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