Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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