Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
