so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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