I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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