Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
