dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
