My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
