She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
