dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
