a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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