Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
