I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
