Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
