im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
