my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I party with great urgency now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
