remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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