You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
