she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
