I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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