Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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