I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
