toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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