You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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