these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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