If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
