i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
