So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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