Need sex. Gaining weight.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
