He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
