it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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